We have been told time and time again work with honesty and for the greater good of the organisation, pay attention to the people that work on your team, with your team and manage up. What happens when you come across something you consider an insurmountable obstacle? Do you keep hitting that wall again and again and hope that you make a dent ? Do you change your approach to see what fits best or do you become the cliched definition of insanity (keep repeating the same behavior with the same result)?
I find as a female leader there are some walls we all come up against no matter what generation or century. If you are strong and driven you’ve probably been called aggressive and a B@#$h. If you are compassionate and caring, you are emotional and “touchy-feely”. If you are tough and ambitious you are trying to be a man. If you are social and communicative you are playing the game. So many labels for us to wear and most of them given to us not only by men but by other women.
Why is it that only a rare number of women in leadership try and support the growth of other women? Are we insecure? I think not. It’s more that we lack the courage to celebrate other women becoming successful because we assume men will think we are being biased. Women tend to over think and over analyze. All the books about lean in, stand up, find your voice, get rid of the negative chatter, be authentic, don’t compromise, emotional intellect, so on and so forth are telling us how to be and how to behave. These books have failed to address the bigger problem of how male leaders with conscious or unconscious bias present themselves. I worked for a boss who, (I say worked for, not worked with because he felt he was the boss and expected reverence whether he deserved it or not), I struggled to find a common ground with him. I have worked with misogyny before so that couldn’t have been it. Then I realized this was someone whose unconscious bias was related not to, who I was in the present, but how and where he perceived I had been raised. To him I was a privileged, posh, army brat and he rubbed that phrase in my face repeatedly. He felt he knew me/about me and had me pegged from day one and nothing I subsequently did or how hard I tried would change his mindset and how he felt.
What the situation did was change my narrative, sadly. It was like a self fulfilling prophecy. I was isolated and became an after thought when strategising on direction and decision and since I was out of the loop most times, the boss labeled me disengaged. The more of a boys club it became, the less innovative my thought leadership was. I realized that in a span of a few months I had gone from a high potential to someone whose brand had been muddied to the point where I started questioning myself. Rest is history.
The lesson I learned from that situation was
- Your narrative is your Own – Letting someone who is mired in their own insecurity chip at your confidence is one of the biggest mistake women leaders make. We forget who we are and what our strengths are and we let someone else define our stories.
- Stand up and Speak up – As women in leadership we always want to resolve the issue and find a solution to the problem. When the real issue is the unconscious bias – stand up, stand tall and say how it’s making you feel which is the only way forward.
- Perception is not Reality – We have been told time and time again perception is reality or some version of it anyways and I want to say it is not so. Perception is the reality in that moment so change it, be clear, be concise and communicate your reality and make it understood.
- Walk away – As strong women leaders we have learned to be persistent so giving up is not an option. Some times walking away isn’t the option due to financial constraints so whenever you are able financially, RUN.
You Define Your Value